New Ways to Hurt

My old neighbors were super cool and allowed me to walk around my yard in various stages of disheveled, emotional despair without commenting.  When the house was put up for sale, and my pup went to stay with my parents, their Shih-Tzu hung out with me.   Lucy is an angel.  She would show up when I needed her most and would let me carry her.  She calmed my heart.  Enough time has passed for me to thank her, to set the stage with an appropriate context.  This is For Lucy.


for lucy

dear poetry editor,

have you ever argued
on top of a school bus?

he says something hurtful
so you shout your truth back
a resonant display
of one word on delay

BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!
lucy
runs across the lawn
weaves around the wheels
pleading come back down

you descend, hold her paws
talk through work you
submitted for publication
8 months before a response!

blessed is the unknown
far from mundane truth
and new ways to hurt

poems attached for your consideration

PS – rejections are just e-mails now?
no fancy letterhead or anything?
IMG_0185

Make Something Meaningful

I’ve been crazy busy since 3/13.   My main focus has been managing hardware and software vendors, so that my company’s employees can work from home to help stop the spread of COVID-19.

My routines are weird.  I’ve been slacking on transcribing the images and words of my subconscious.  I keep lying to myself and saying “I’ll remember in the morning.”   I sleep in.  I roll into my sleazy 70s den which serves as a home office.  I work. I am grateful to work! I do puzzles. I watch trash TV.  I bake.  I sleep.  I try my damndest to breathe, create, an make something meaningful.

If you are looking to be uplifted in a time of uncertainty, if you are an artist looking for a method to connect with other creators, if you want to smile: please check out MakeSomethingMeaningful.Org.

Chris Zielski, the amazing artist of Copperleaf Studios, has given the world a lovely virtual space for celebrating creativity in this weird time.

Make art and weird words.  Eat carbs.  Help others.  Make something meaningful!

I’ll have new poems posting weekly again, starting tomorrow!

 

Heatstroke

men logging lumber
left lapses of the forest
white birches edging new fields,
square scars backfilled by queen anne’s lace

the sun beats down
our hatless heads
burning the scalp skin
exposed by clockwise whorls

the bled sap simmers
in scents of sawdust
until the crows call
white hot from the spared treetops

A Good Wife

a self portrait in fog

leave the
light on
keep
the home
fires burning

for
who?
with
what
fuel?

what
matters
is how
i land on
my feet

loosen
the hold
of this
old
identity

the antithesis
of hunger
stabs
my
abdomen

i know
the
word
for it,
now

how to
differentiate
aches of
grief,
desire

how those
twin
pains
feed
each other

indifferent
syllables
slipping
into
bed

i remain
a slim
devotee
to my
words

Cold Thin Angles of Partial Truth

my shoulders
icily protrude
from
patchwork
folds of
sedative
slumber

my hands
run across
bare arms
to feel
i am real
and exist
without you

thin as glass
all rib cage
and thigh gap
angularly
etched by
frost lines
and lost time

i was soft once
and played
my lines
so smooth
nobody knew
i was
dying

I Dreamt My Bones

Sometimes I wake up and clasp my hands over my eyes.  Oh Lord, I will yell up through the blue light and into the empty attic.   In my dreams, you were sleeping next to me, still my confidant.

Morning enters:  slim, cool, ethereally stunning as only she can be this early on a cold winter day.  Her twin sister, Memory, is close behind:  razor-thin, peremptory, laser-focused.

I check my phone – it’s 5 O’Clock.  They’ve been waiting outside my door for this very moment.  Memory has prepared an Excel spreadsheet in response to my cries, hands me a printout.  “The facts distinctly show he is neither here, nor your confidant.”

Doubt yells, muffled from the closet “Maybe he never was!”  She’s attempting to choose my outfit, but for reasons innate to the core of her being, struggles with a final decision.

Morning looks pale.  Memory eyes me sideways.

I groan.  Some atoms of my soul, imbedded grains of my character, and tough bits of gristle in my sinews want to know where the hell you are.

Memory points to the tab of her spreadsheet that says ‘He Left You’ and seems prepared to expound at length.

I interrupt:  Yeah, I remember.  I gotta get out of bed.  I had lots of crazy dreams and need to write this shit down before it’s lost forever.  Is Creativity here, yet?  

Memory is annoyed, Morning sighs. Neither collaborates well with Creativity.  She’s a crazy-ass liability to the overall order of things.  Stays up too late reading Fante and poetry.  Has fantastic nightmares that she writes down in sardonically labeled Moleskines.  Doesn’t fit into any existing narrative, circadian rhythms, or cyclical passing of seasons.  She keeps fucking up facts of existing events, just for fun.  And she is never, ever on time.

I scribble the framework of my thoughts into the notebook she leaves next to my bed, before the concept evaporates.

The Twins convince me to get up, make tea.  Doubt emerges from my closet, hands me a giant fleece robe, and shrugs.  “Put this on.  We’re not going anywhere.  It’s probably for the best.”

I groggily descend the stairs.  The three women follow and sit at my great-grandmother’s antique maple table, politely waiting for Earl Grey.

I am proud of my home, and though I live here alone, still feel like a domestic goddess of comfort and peace.  Filling up the tea kettle, I notice the fine turn of my slender wrist.  I ponder the anatomical name for the beautiful protrusion of these bones.

Before I can ask Hey, what are these things even called?  I see Creativity climb through the dining room window, wearing my leopard print coat, logger boots, and favorite 60s shift dress.  She watches my form, my steady ulna and delicate radius balance the heavy tea kettle.  She smiles.  She has intuited my innermost thoughts.

“You know what! Fuck him!” Creativity screams.

Morning, Memory, and Doubt are startled in unison and their knees hit the handcrafted scrollwork of the old table.  They didn’t see her enter through the window, although she always keeps one unlocked so she can come and go as she pleases.  “He never appreciated your goddamn bones!”  She is overalert from sleeplessness, I can tell from the sleet-and-salt-covered boots she’s been wandering the city all night chasing down wild words.

“You don’t need a man,” the Twins chirp in calm, supportive unison, trying to reign in Creativity’s fury.  She calms a little and begins speaking low and frantically, “Write odes to yourself, love songs, write your own elegy of all the shit you accomplished and repeat ‘I don’t need a man’!”  Morning and Memory repeat wholeheartedly “You definitely do NOT need a man.”

“Yes, true, but it doesn’t preclude her desire for one.”  Doubt has to be the devil’s advocate.  Nobody holds it against her.  I like her, despite her constantly forcing reality into this fake poetic haven I’ve created for myself.

Creativity runs upstairs to grab our dream notebook.  “We’ve got shit to do!”

I smile, touch my wrists.  Each hand a slender dove, folded over the other.  I pick up the plaid coffee cup and gracefully sip my tea.  The next man who loves me will know to love my very bones.  

Morning, Memory, and Doubt each finish their tea and fade from the table.  Morning flits away until tomorrow.  I like to think she’s got a fancy apartment uptown in one of those Art Deco skyscrapers, lounging in beaded dresses on furniture from that period.  Memory and Doubt head up to the attic to perform tedious statistical data calculations that both quantify and question my existence.  Sometimes I bring them sandwiches and milk.

Creativity and I stay at the table all afternoon, hunching over my old notebook, furiously scribbling, whispering, cackling.

What weird words!

Praising and lamenting my goddamn bones.

Lake Effect Glow

in deep winter’s sleep
a smiling, silent woodnymph
alights on my stoop

his cordovan boots
are two thai chili-peppers
– graceful, slender tipped

we speak through our thoughts
silver threads twined in gnarled trees
twisted by the moon

he asks, so i dance
intuiting each fresh step
of bright, snowflaked dreams